A pessimistic optimist's job search journey

Over the weekend I had to take my older kid to see the doctor twice, almost in an emergency situation. My husband was away the whole weekend so I had to take care of three meals everyday for four human beings and one dog, did groceries shopping, kept the kids entertained, etc. All of these activities kept me busy, and took my mind off from the job search a little bit.

Again I felt defeated, I felt a bit hopeless given how many applications I have submitted and how much response I received (<0.1%). Given just last week alone, I’ve applied to many, and I got zero reply. I was so consumed by the search that I’ve been neglecting my social life. Not that I am afraid of losing friends or social connections, it’s more like I feel so alone in this journey. Alone, defeated, self-doubted… Sometimes I try to think positively, that I did have some interviews and I should be grateful for even the tiniest opportunity. But then the thought “How did I screw it up?” got into me. And what’s next? I am going to submit a few more hundreds of applications, I will still get zero interest, and the process will drag on months after months.

Will I ever get anywhere, anything?

Am I so worthless?

What do I need to have – in order to be considered for a job?

I am capable, I am smart and hard working, why does no one see that? Why does no one give me a chance? What do people want to see in a resume? 😥

Today I spent the whole morning on hold with the clinic about my daughter’s condition, then took her to see the doctor, took her back home, took her to see her friend’s performance, then I took her to go groceries shopping. Then I took her back home and put her to nap. While she napped I ran to the pharmacy picking up her medication. I went home and applied for some jobs. When she and her younger sister woke up and spent the rest of the afternoon keeping them entertained, cooked dinner, cleaned up, took out the trash, put them to bed. Now finally I have a few minutes for myself and I am deep in this chilled feeling wondering how long this job search is going to last. I somewhat expect it but I am still sad to see how it negatively affects my mentality.

There was one moment today when I let my younger daughter walk, she picked a flower and smelled it. Seeing her enjoyed the flower, even though it was just a few seconds, made me feel really happy and I thought to myself: Yeah, everyone should be like a kid, not only in the sense of always be themselves, but also to live the moment, to truly enjoy the simple things.

Hopefully this is just a moment of weakness because I had a long day.

I want to have a good rest so I will be ready for another long week.